Harry Potter and the Heart of Gold
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: In which Katniss Everdeen eats some bread, Commander Up takes a bubble bath, Sherlock Holmes makes a brilliant deduction and Zaphod Beeblebrox is the Doctor. Flames will be used to toast Zaphod's crumpets.
1. Chapter 1

"HERMIONE! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY NOSE?" Harry stipulated haplessly, as the brunette lowered her wand and stared bashfully at the appendage in the focal point of Harry's visage.

"It would appear that I have turned it into a tomato, my love," Hermione verbalised, gazing in wonder at the rosy red sphere and marvelling at her aptitude for unintentional transfiguration.

"THAT'S NOT BLOODY GOOD ENOUGH!" roared Harry, as he trained his own wand at Hermione's cranium. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" The girl keeled over, deceased before she hit the ground. Ron sidled over and glanced indifferently at his dead girlfriend, before opening his mouth and devouring the ripe cherry tomato on Harry's mug. In a flash, Draco Malfoy apparated over with blatant disregard for the anti-apparition charm encompassing Hogwarts and took a bite out of Ron's shnoz in retaliation.

Ron screeched in agony as Draco also brandished his wand in Ron's bearing. "AVADA... beans?" Draco finished lamely, as a huddle of runner beans scampered past.

Ron bent over retching as the putrid stench of a thousand dwarf farts hit his nostrils.

"Ha ha ha! I fart in your general direction, good sir!" Draco cried, as Ron's eyes rolled upwards into his eye sockets and he began to wheeze. Draco reached out for Harry's hand.

"Now, Ron, you can either be the noble steed for myself and my dashing knight as we ride off into the sunset, or you can watch my husband Tom Riddle tap-dancing. It's entirely up to you," Harry proposed, as Ron pondered this ultimatum.

"By all means, I shall be your pony," Ron conceded, bending down in order that Harry and Draco might sit on his back.

Ron slowly made his way down the stairs as Draco bellowed "giddy up, I say!" and Harry beat him senseless with a length of rope he had found in a cupboard. Eventually, Ron collapsed, ("get back up!" Draco yelled,) and Harry took Draco's hand and scurried on, sending a swift killing curse over his shoulder back at Ron.

"Master, master!" the shout emanated from the dungeons. Dobby emerged, carrying a platter of meat and bread. "I made you provisions!" Harry took a bite of a steak. "How does Ronnie-Ron taste, master?"

"Like some kid with eyes, Dobby," Harry retorted, as the elf bowed and withdrew to the kitchens once more.

Draco was astonished. "How on Earth did the good elf endeavour to roast Ronald with such haste?" he enquired.

"No clue, but he's delicious," Harry responded, taking another bite out of his Ron-steak.

At that moment, a most peculiar looking girl wearing particularly goffik attire darted out of a classroom and hurled herself at Draco.

"Drako, I wnt u 2 pt ur ting in my wtsit," she proclaimed, her eyes glimmering crimson and her Hot Topic garb flying off (A.N. NOT IN DAT WAY U PERV).

"NOT MY BOYFRIEND, YOU BITCH!" Harry clamoured, raising his wand in order that he might comprehensively Avada Kedavra the Mary-Sue's backside into oblivion. However, before he got there a girl dressed in a green jumpsuit with a thick, brown plait jumped down from the ceiling, raised a bow and shot an evidently incendiary arrow into Enoby's torso. The goff died screaming, and the girl with the bow helped herself to a piece of bread from Harry's platter before sprinting off out of the entrance hall.

Harry and Draco, still holding hands, flew out of the hall and into the night, where a blue box suddenly appeared out of nowhere emitting a noise that sounded remarkably like the trumpeting of an elephant, reversed. When the box had solidified, the seven-times Worst-Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe stepped out.

"I am the President of the Galaxy," his right head announced pompously, as the left one nodded vigorously. He flamboyantly waved around all three of his arms in order to draw more attention to himself. "You must join myself and my lovely assistant, for we are about to head off to my home planet, somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, for tea and crumpets."

Draco nodded. "But of course, good sir! Might I say, I FIND your taste in attire to be rather compellingly intriguing." Harry scowled.

"Draco, you don't FIND anything, you're not a flaming Hufflepuff," Harry reminded him.

At that moment, a teenage girl stepped out of the TARDIS brandishing a sonic screwdriver. "Zay, are we on Betelgeuse Seven yet?" she asked impatiently, chewing on a RedVine.

"No, Assistant, I pressed the Infinite Probability Drive button because it was big and shiny and this weird planet appeared in our way." The peculiar little man attempted to kick the Earth, perhaps hoping it might move, but to no avail. "Well," he declared, addressing Harry and Draco, "you may as well come aboard. We've picked up a fair amount of people already, we crashed into Farm Planet and a group joined us."

Harry and Draco stepped into the box, surprised by how much larger it was on the inside than one would suspect. There were even several doors leading off from the main control room, in which a joystick jutted out from the wall and on a large round table there was a humongous shiny button. There was also a bookshelf, but instead of a selection of tomes it contained a large quantity of tins of spam.

As Harry inspected the abundance of spam, Draco opened a door. Harry caught sight of a large, muscular man with a grey moustache taking a bubble bath. He heard the sound of a strong Alabama drawl telling Draco to beggar off before the door slammed, and Draco ambled over to take Harry's hand.

The teenage girl walked over to the pair, declared that she shipped Drarry and asked them to sign a picture for her. They obliged, and the girl went over and bore down on the large, shiny button. Harry and Draco looked out of the window to see their beloved planet being obliterated, and a small paper Draco puppet appeared outside, before bursting into flames and toppling.

_Oh well_ thought Harry, as the girl started wittering about Charlie McDonnell. _At least I still have Draco._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes: Well, since I found a few more ideas in my cranium and I've joined a couple of new fandoms since writing part 1, (and because my friend who requested the story in the first place wouldn't shut up) I decided to write a part 2, in which Zaphod gets kicked, Commander Up gets clouted and Harry gets slapped. Oh, and Sherlock makes a deduction.**

**It's also worth mentioning that this story could potentially go on forever, depending on how many more cracky brainwaves I have. This is why it is not, nor shall ever be, labelled as "complete."**

**If you get my three REALLY obscure Harry Potter references (or just any references at all) I will love you forever.**

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><p>"Right!" declared the girl, turning towards Harry and Draco. "Seeing as you two are the most recent additions to the crew, you get to decide where we go next."<p>

"Nawwwww," whinged Zaphod, pouting. "I really wanted to visit the Mystic Kettle of Knackledirk."

"STUFF YOUR KETTLE! I WANNA SEE CHARLIEEE," the girl bellowed, giving Zaphod a swift kick in the shins and eyeing Draco in particular with an impatient air.

"Now, now, boys and girls," articulated a deep voice with an American accent, as the gargantuan man with a moustache Draco had walked in on having a bath emerged from the bathroom wearing a kilt and a poncho. "Why can't we all just get along and let our new hitch-hikers decide our next adventure?"

Zaphod and the girl froze, startled, as Harry jumped to attention. "I want to see Bugworld!"

The man gave a small yelp and hid behind Zaphod's companion. "I ain't goin' back there in a bazillion years, mister," he shrieked, as the girl clouted him on the head and he fell to the floor.

"Fine then," Draco verbalised. "I've always wanted to visit Pigfarts."

"Ooh, why would you want to go there?" Zaphod yawned. "It's not like Pigfarts is anywhere near as great as the famous sight of the Pillar of Storgé..."

"Pigfarts it is, then!" declared another character, a five-foot tall pink and lilac caterpillar whom Harry hadn't noticed due to the fact that the bug had been skulking around under the controls.

"Hmph. Fine, then," conceded the appallingly-attired President of the Galaxy, turning one of his heads to the cylinder stretching towards the ceiling. "Though I think Bugworld might be a little more apt for you."

The caterpillar gave an expression that could only be described as a scowl as Zaphod seized what appeared to be every knob on the round dashboard of the police box simultaneously ("It's called a TARDIS, and I incorporated the infinite probability drive I stole from the Heart of Gold into the dash!" he yelled unhelpfully, as Harry pondered what on Earth that could mean). At once, two circles in the cylinder in the centre of the "TARDIS" started oscillating, up and down, up and down, and the noise of what sounded like an elephant's reversed trumpeting screeched from the very walls. Harry suddenly became aware that the floors were vibrating beneath his feet and grabbed hold of the control panel, noticing that the entire structure seemed to be rocking back and forth, reminiscent of a vessel at sea in a force nine gale only with rather more unpredictable kinetics.

As Harry considered this, the two-headed man's companion lost her grip on a metal pole and went careering into Harry, while Draco looked on in astonishment.

"How dare you run into me?" the girl demanded, adding insult to injury by giving Harry a powerful slap to the face. Harry pondered this at great length for a second, before the TARDIS gave a huge lurch and everybody was flung against the back wall, which had apparently just become the floor.

"What the spell is going on?" Draco stipulated, clinging to Harry and staggering to his feet. Zaphod seemed rather animated.

"I haven't the foggiest, my dear lady, so I suppose we'll just have to find out," he explained. He too got to his feet and clambered up the now horizontal control panel, jumping to reach the wooden doors. They flew open quickly, and Harry caught a glimpse of a completely black sky framed by the familiar constellations, and what appeared to be the side of a bizarre, glittering green building with a picture of a lion on the wall.

Harry was suddenly startled by the sight of a tall, lean man in a long woollen coat falling from the sky into the TARDIS, his limbs flailing as he plunged into the small crowd of spacetime-travellers huddled on what had previously been the back wall. Fortunately, before he could land Zaphod trod on the Big Button on the TARDIS dashboard (the Infinite Probability Drive, Zaphod had called it,) and a selection of rather comfortable-looking pillows appeared for the man to fall on, in addition to the sudden reappearance of the cadaver of Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, complete with arrow still sticking out of her head, in the corner.

"Fantastic!" the man who had just fallen into the TARDIS declared, standing and turning his collar up, which made him look cool and mysterious. "A murder! Oh, it must be my birthday!" This was such a bizarre statement that all Harry could do was gape at the man, whom he was now noticing had scarier cheekbones than Bellatrix Lestrange and piercing blue eyes reminiscent of Dumbledore's. The man sauntered over to the goff's corpse, produced a magnifying glass from a pocket in his coat and started examining the cadaver in minute detail. Zaphod's companion coughed.

"EXCUSE ME?" the man screeched, "NOBODY INTERRUPS THE GREAT SHERLOCK HOLMES WHEN HE IS DEDUCING. I take it you haven't picked up Molly on your travels to do an autopsy?" he asked, rapidly calming down to address Zaphod, who shook his head. "I suppose that means it's my job, then," Sherlock sighed in an exasperated fashion, as though the entire crew of the TARDIS were being incredible thick.

"f you carefully observe the uncomfortable-looking positioning of this girl's limbs, one can deduce that she fell after her attack. We can see it was an attack by the fact that her palms are completely open and her arms unbent, so she was holding her hands out in front of her to protect herself. Also," he continued, giving the motley crew a knowing look, "the weapon sticking out of her body is a dead giveaway."

"Well, he finally got there," Draco muttered in Harry's ear.

"I must conclude from the evidence available that this girl died from taking an arrow to the knee!" Sherlock finished, as Draco facepalmed.

"That's brilliant! It's fantastic!" Zaphod's companion declared, as Sherlock cocked his right eyebrow and gave a small bow. "One thing nobody has mentioned: WHERE THE FLIP ARE WE?"

The majority of the crew looked worried, and Zaphod nervously glanced outside, but Sherlock softly cleared his throat and everybody turned back to him.

"Good grief girl, I'd have thought that was obvious? Do the reddish hue of the soil a couple of dozen yards beneath this machine, the absence of the Sun of the size that humanity is used to and the images of Rumbleroar all over the place not make it apparent that we are, indeed, at Pigfarts?" he demanded, glaring at everybody in the room. "Oh," he added. "As much as I would love to join you all on your adventure, I really must get back to my Jawn and convince him of my death. I'll be needing that," he said, pointing at a small navy rubber ball by the Infinite Probability Drive.

Zaphod clambered back up, threw the ball in question to Sherlock and started the TARDIS.

"I assume you'll want to go five minutes into the past?" he asked, pointing at the monitors on the dashboard which were showing a short man with the face of a hedgehog on the ground underneath them, cradling the head of a man who looked remarkably like Sherlock in his arms.

"Please," Sherlock said, grinning. "I want to be with my Jawn again."

"Right you are," Zaphod's companion decreed, climbing up to the controls herself and elbowing the President of the Galaxy back down.

"OI!" he yelled, as the TARDIS suddenly turned itself the right way up and everybody fell in a heap at the bottom of the back wall, crushing Zaphod. In all the confusion, nobody noticed Sherlock placing the navy ball in his right armpit and putting liberal amounts of a red liquid in his hair and across his face. When the TARDIS came to a complete stop, Sherlock pushed his way to the TARDIS doors.

"It's been a pleasure meeting you, my comrades!" he said, raising his left hand and waving at them in farewell as he darted out of the door and took his place lying by the side of the building. Harry caught a glimpse of the hedgehog-man running over, seizing Sherlock's right wrist, collapsing into sobs and saying something about "no pulse... no pulse...", before taking Sherlock's head in both of his hands and cradling it as the party had observed through the TARDIS monitor.

A lion emerged from the building Sherlock had jumped off and apparently started talking to the man who looked like a hedgehog, and while his head was turned Sherlock gave the TARDIS a quick wink.

"Right, best be off," Zaphod said as Draco started to protest. "We've done our good deed for the day and now we need to get out of here. How does the Toenail of Icklibörg sound?"

Draco opened his mouth to protest but before he'd got any sound out Zaphod had pressed the Big Button and the TARDIS had started rocking again.

"But now I'll never get to properly visit Pigfarts!" Draco uttered in disappointment.

"It's alright, my love, I'm sure we'll have plenty of adventures you'll love out here anyway," Harry responded, gesturing towards the TARDIS monitor which was now showing a young man with floppy red hair and a guitar floating past through the voids of space.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's notes: This just gets wackier and wackier. I would apologise, but I don't even think I'm sorry.**

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><p>However, the ship immediately began to rock even more violently than it had done previously as the girl at the controls gave a malevolent guffaw. Suddenly, Harry found himself lurching violently into Draco, only to be followed by the rest of their motley crew. As the girl screamed with laughter, pressing buttons left right and centre, Zaphod scrambled up to the raised dais to seize controls but the girl fought him away, kicking and screaming.<p>

However hard the girl fought, though, there was no denying that Zaphod was bigger and stronger than she was and he eventually regained control of the ship as it stopped rocking.

"We're here!" the girl declared animatedly, fighting for control of her arms Zaphod had in a full-Nelso. "Oh, you're going to love this, Zaphey!"

Zaphod released his grip on the girl and stared at her. "What was all that about, then?"

The girl widened her eyes nonchalently, before bouncing over to the door. "Twenty-first century Japan, guys!" Harry failed to feel impressed, which evidently showed as the girl gave him another slap around the chops. The girl then flung open the door of the spaceship, revealing that they were in an ornate hallway with a large door immediately opposite them. Above the door was a large sign reading "MUSIC ROOM 3".

Intrigued, Harry pushed past the girl, dragging Draco after him, and placed a hand on the music room door. Wrenching it down before the girl could stop him, Harry found himself facing a group of people in red t-shirts, each brandishing a microphone and a long sword. The whole room seemed to sparkle like some sort of demon vampire society, and the shock of the glitter overload forced Harry to blink.

"Welcome," began the boy who appeared to be the leader, a kid with a pair of goggles placed over his spiky hair, "to the Host... WAIT A SECOND." The entire group from the TARDIS blinked this time.

"YOU'RE NOT KARI!" the spiky-haired boy exclaimed, withdrawing his sword from its sheath. "V-Headbutt, Veemon!" At that, the sword's blade turned into a small, blue dragon, who proceeded to charge towards Harry with a fearsome expression on its face. As Draco leapt in front of Harry, the latter noticed a taller boy with dark blue hair muttering something and a small, green caterpillar darted across the room, knocking the blue dragon out of the way.

"Aww, Ken, what'd you do that for?" the sparkly spiky boy demanded, as both Harry and Draco stared at the rather more handsome tall boy with admiration.

"I rather like him," Harry whispered conspiratorially to Draco, who giggled, and before anybody could say anything else a skinny boy with purple hair and large round glasses had crossed the room and slapped both Harry and Draco silly.

"HE'S MIIIIINE!" the purple-haired sparkly boy yelled, continually slapping both boys. _He'd get on well with our girl,_ Harry thought, remembering the powerful slaps of the girl who had brought them there in the first place. Right on cue, the girl stepped in and grinned at the purple-haired boy.

"You're a crossdresser, aren't you?" she said excitably. "Let me help you punch these two!"

The boy called Ken exasperatedly glanced at the four slappees/slappers, before deciding to ignore the spectacle.

"You're perfectly welcome to join us should you so wish," he said smoothly to Zaphod, glittering in the light. "We were just about to perform a rendition of _Don't Stop Believing_. I'll even fight this idiot, should you wish me to," he continued, pointing towards the sparkly boy with spiky hair. "Anything for our wonderful customers!"

Zaphod nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes, I should like to see you beat up the fool!" The blue-haired boy grinned, and the glittering around him seemed to intensify.

"In that case, you had better watch out, Daisuke, for I shall not stop believing in my Zanpakuto!" he declared, brandishing the hilt of what had been his sword, the blade of which was still taking the form of a caterpillar by his heel. "Bankai, Stingmon!"

At that moment, the room disappeared while stock footage of the caterpillar spun around to a repetitive tune, before there was a shower of even more sparkles and the caterpillar turned into some sort of giant green insect, who stopped spinning and took up a defensive pose by its master.

However, before the giant green insect could even turn to face the blue dragon, Zaphod seized the backs of Harry and Draco's robes and dragged them backwards, out into the corridor, where they could see a small girl in a showy dress disappearing around a corner, closely followed by another small girl with long, black hair and a video camera, and into the TARDIS.

"I thought it best not to get involved," Zaphod said, slamming the TARDIS door and piloting the ship out of the building just in time for the passengers to get a glimpse of the building exploding in a shower of fabulous sparkles.

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><p><strong>Author's notes: If you have managed to wade through the veritable minefield of stray lampshades and are now reading this, I must offer you sincere congratulations. I'm not even sure myself of what I just wrote.<strong>

**In case anybody was wondering why the change in writing style between chapters 1&2, it's because after writing the first chapter I discovered HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH and it pretty much wore me out on that level of sesquipedalian loquatiousness forever.**

**As usual, more shall be written/uploaded if I ever think of something good. I'm kind of running out of fandoms, though, so it'll probably take a while for me to discover new stuff to throw in to any future instalments.**

**To the lovely reviewers, many hugs and virtual cookies for understanding enough of this rubbish to have any opinion at all on it. Thank you. I appreciate your time and effort, and I'm happy some of you are enjoying this. :D**


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